good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Randomize
