I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Randomize
