What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize
