the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
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