I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
Randomize
