Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
Randomize
