Whatcha textin bout Willis?
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
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