Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
Randomize