Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
Randomize
