I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Randomize
