Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Randomize
