Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
Randomize
