the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
Half of elefante. Gelafin galaxy
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
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