i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
Let's get the cat blown out
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
Randomize
