I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
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