Buhtt sex?
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
