Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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