i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
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