I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
I'm determined to sit on that face.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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