He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
