final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
Her eyes are really red like she jus got out of the hospital and shes coughing ...80 ppl at her school do have swine flu dude
So your saying just a blow job?
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
Randomize
