I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
Randomize
