No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Randomize
