I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize