I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
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