i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
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