So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
Randomize
