at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
Randomize
