I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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