she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
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