i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Randomize
