I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
