just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
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