the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
