I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
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