i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
And then my night got REAL pukey
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
