Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
The dick lei will go down in squad history
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
i think i just lost a toe
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
