I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize