You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
Randomize
