1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
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