I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
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