It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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