I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
