im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
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