I murdered the dance floor call the cops
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
