I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
Randomize
