I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
