i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
I just heard these 2 kids from flint and Detroit arguing over whose economy is worse... It's really sad what passes for competition in Michigan these days
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
Randomize
