we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
Randomize
