spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
