When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
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