I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
There should be an open time period where you show each other your goods and it's totally socially acceptable to bail.
I wholeheartedly concur
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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