Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
Randomize