Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
Randomize
