i've decided that sluttiness is like a disease, it can lay dormant in you for years and then one day you go to college and with all the booze and drugs and boys and time on your hands symptoms begin to show then one day BAM you're a huge slut. it's like how izzie had skin cancer and it grew into brain cancer.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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