i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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