he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
Randomize
