I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
the guy next to me needed a pen, so I let him take one from my book bag. my panties are now being passed around the class...thank you for telling me you hid them in my bookbag.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Randomize
