My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
Randomize
