P.S. I can't hear my feet
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
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