can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
