i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
Randomize
