I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
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