so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
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