apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Randomize
