I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Randomize
