So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Randomize
