I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
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